A decidedly un-sexy update

Again, I feel compelled to apologize for the lack of attention to my blog (and Twitter, for that matter), but I have been very preoccupied lately as real life demands my attention. It’s been a little rough lately. Last week, I left the job that I loved in the heat of a very confusing, very dramatic, wildly inappropriate moment. I do not mean “wildly inappropriate” in a sexual way this time. I’m more upset by this than I ever would have expected to be, and I have been busy talking with some people and figuring out what sort of action to take in the wake of what happened. Despite that very unpleasant experience, I still find myself grieving the loss of that job. I am admittedly no authority on ‘moving on,’ and as such I am having a hard time figuring out what my next career move will be. My sewing skills are still terribly rudimentary so far. I don’t know if I could realistically apply myself to copywriting as much as I’d need to. I have very little interest in pursuing any of the fields in which I have significant experience any further. I hadn’t planned on needing to worry about this so soon, so without any clear direction all I can do is keep my options open and hope a good opportunity knocks again.

In the grand tradition of misfortune, one thing led to another until I ended up with quite a large knot of stress somewhere in my belly. I’m still carrying that around. After explaining the circumstances surrounding my sudden unemployment to my family, a good handful of my nearest and dearest were both appalled at the treatment I received and understanding of my anger (and, frankly, outrage). Several offered comfort and support, but unfortunately my mother was not among this group. My relationship with my mother is complicated, as she is a very complicated woman. I’m not exactly simple, but my mother and I are completely different brands of difficult and she has always been something of a mystery to me. She was upset when I called and told her of my situation, but her first reaction was to ask how I “fucked up.” Already angered and edgy, I chafed at this. Even after I elaborated on the story, including all the nasty details, her suggestion was that I grovel at the feet of the offending party and beg to be rehired. This is not an option as far as I’m concerned, and nobody else has suggested that it should be. Fundamentally, she and I have very different values, and this is a source of constant contention for us. My mother can be an extremely sweet, generous woman, but she clings to a vehement refusal to admit that there is a Hyde to her Jekyll and that yes, even her priorities might be backward from time to time. My decision to share this personal crisis of mine with her led to yet another unprovoked attack, involving words that one person should never say to another, let alone to one’s child. As I typically do in such situations, and as I did in the incident involving my former employer, I remained quiet and let her vent, excusing myself when I felt the exchange was going nowhere. I suppose I ought to be proud of the ability to control my emotions when things get ugly. I’ve worked very hard at that. The only person my temper was ever an issue to begin with was with my mother, but I am saddened by the realization that our relationship hasn’t been improved upon any by my refusal to fight. In the absence of retort, some people will simply fill the air with more attacks and never tire of the one-sided battle. She is one of them.

So, weighed down by career and family stress, I am trying to distract myself in both productive and unproductive ways. I cut off all but an inch or two of my hair, reorganized my closets and recommitted to regular exercise. Eager for pleasant experiences, I'm trying to make arrangements for several mini-vacations. My romantic life is still something of a nonevent, and my libido seems to have packed its bags and headed for cover until the crisis has blown over. That hasn't stopped me from continuing to enjoy CollarMe, though. My experience with it so far has been very interesting and often downright amusing, though not very fruitful. I've also learned some things about my kink. For example: I don't think I will ever be able to submit to someone who can't spell or write/type in complete sentences. Hard limit: poor grammatical skills. I sware im not an unresonabel snob but relly ther is only so much of this kidn of talkin a girl can taek u kno? It isnt sexxxyy.

The people who attract my attention are invariably the ones who put a little extra effort into things. This is true for my dating/sex life in general. I don't demand 110% from every exchange. I don't even expect anybody to match my enthusiasm. That would be very tough to do, as I can be a very eager beaver. All I'm looking for is that "Hey - I give a shit" impression. I am beginning to worry that I still may be asking too much in that arena.