Try, Try Again

It's Wednesday. I'm not supposed to be at work today, as Wednesdays are typically my days off, but here I am. On my computer screen, there are several open windows. The first one is Notepad - a menacingly long and ever-growing list of work issues that need to be attended to. The second window is Netflix - I've been attempting all day to finally watch The Hours but am coming up short in the attention-span department. The third window is my Playlist, providing a soundtrack for the day, where I can be serenaded by the likes of Freddie Mercury and Maynard James Keenan to my heart's content. I am finding it increasingly difficult to open and deal with that first window.

I'm distracted.

I'm distracted by a lot of things. I'm sexually frustrated, but that's not really anything new. I'm experiencing a love-life slump at the moment that's annoying but not catastrophic. I've got personal projects that aren't progressing according to plan. I'm having trouble keeping up with my friends, due mostly to scheduling issues. I've got some pretty big career concerns. I'm a little stressed about each of those things and others, and it's just adding up to a palpable dysphoria. Mostly, though, I'm distracted by my plans for the weekend.

On Saturday morning, I will supposedly be meeting with someone whom I haven't seen in over four years. I've mentioned her before - my former best friend who has, in the years since we had a falling-out, been battling a substance-abuse problem. I'm nervous and eager to see her again, and I can feel myself getting my hopes up. Ideally, I'd like for us to be close again, to rhyme again the way that we did years ago. I want to find that intimacy with a friend once more, because golly, I've really missed it. I thought I was doing okay without it for quite some time, but the moment I got the idea in my head that it might be possible to recapture it, it was like dangling a steak in front of a ravenous dog. I'm hungry for that companionship. I've got plenty friends that I care deeply about, sure, but for one reason or another I've never quite managed to have the same bond with anyone that I had with my erstwhile BFF. However, as much as I'd like for us to settle right back into our old rhythms, I'm trying to be realistic. She's a beautiful, amazing girl, but the last time I saw her, she did not seem so healthy. And 4 years of further damage have passed between then and now. I must expect to find her much changed.



I don't have many photos of the two of us together. That's us in our party gear, what seems like a lifetime ago. I'm on the right, freshly 14, all bad skin and Swiss Miss braids. Laughing is permitted. Hopefully we will have the opportunity to take better photos in the future.

My mother-hen instinct is already kicking in, and I don't even want to control it. I'm not the most well-adjusted girl in the world, I haven't known too many addicts or recovering addicts in my life and I can't be a hero, but if I can somehow manage to be a positive influence or to help her get back on her feet in even some small way, it would mean the world to me. I'm hoping for the best, but I should also be bracing for the worst. She's only been clean for two months. The chances of yet another relapse are high. The chances of us having a meaningful reconnection and then experiencing further drama as a result of this problem might also be high. The chances of me worrying about her well-being for quite some time yet? Astronomical. I know what I'm signing up for. But I have to try.